If there's one thing we can all agree on, it's that we, as a country, have forgotten the art of raising children. Somewhere along the way, we've lost sight of our traditional Indian values, and it has taken a toll on Indian youth. Just look at the quality in our universities. Institutions that once produced intellectual luminaries like Smt. Smriti Irani and our very own Prime Minister Narendra Modi, today produce anti-national filth like Shehla Rashid and Kanhaiya Kumar. Something is clearly wrong.

Luckily, our venerable intellectuals have taken it upon themselves to help stem the rot. The recent Garbh Sanskar workshop organised in West Bengal was a step in the right direction. However, just knowing the auspicious days to have sex, and the right bhajans to listen to while pregnant isn't enough. Sure, you may have a boy, but what's the point of that if your bundle of joy ends up growing a beard, wearing a jhola and shouting azaadi slogans in JNU. Mercifully, the Modi government is doing all it can to prevent this.

What's the point of a baby boy if it ends up growing a beard, wearing a jhola, and shouting 'Azaadi'?

Under the able guidance of Shripad Yesso Naik, the Modi government's Ayush ministry is doing its part to improve India's children. Recently, the department launched the Mother and Child Care booklet, to guide pregnant mothers in their pursuit of perfect progeny.

Suggestions like avoiding sex during pregnancy are great ideas. After all, it's common sense that if women have sex while pregnant, the penis will be the first thing the impressionable baby will see. This could turn it gay(if male) or trans(if female), and then abortion will be the only solution. Avoiding meat and lustful thoughts are also helpful guidelines to prevent an Indian addition to The Omen franchise.

However, the Ministry's well-intentioned suggestions don't go nearly far enough. At a time when nearly half of India's population – from farmers to academics (and all of Kashmir) – are unmistakably anti-national, sanskari pussy-footing can no longer be the approach. What we need is full sanskar compliance. For the sake of India's future, we've compiled guidelines for pregnant mothers that will ensure the next generation is Hindutva-approved.

1) Protection from radiation

We live in a world where everyone has mobile phones. These phones though, emit harmful radiation that can harm the baby. Unfortunately, getting rid of mobile phones cannot be the answer. After all, how else can we keep up with nationalistic WhatsApp forwards and warnings about Muslim kidnappers? Luckily, Indian culture has a solution – cow dung.

It has long been known that cow dung can protect from nuclear radiation, therefore the emissions from cellphones do not stand a chance against good old gobar. Every morning, pregnant women should cover themselves from head to toe in cow dung, with an extra three layers on the belly. This practice will also help maintain celibacy during pregnancy, thus killing two birds with one stool.

2) Avoid chowmein and momos

It is no secret that India has made global headlines for the rape culture that prevails across the country. However, what few people know is that this is all because of a Chinese conspiracy to weaken the country.

This conspiracy comes in two edible forms – chowmein, which causes rape, and momos, which leads to addiction problems and diminished health. Pregnant mothers should avoid both foods, as chowmein may lead to baby rapists being born, while momos will lead to babies similar to crack babies and ones suffering from fetal alcohol syndrome.

3) Gau mutra for a golden child

It is indisputable science that cow urine contains gold, India's favourite possession after cows themselves. By consuming gau mutra, you will be ensuring that the gold in cow urine makes its way to your child. This has incredible benefits, both in the immediate growth of the child, as well as later in life when you have to negotiate dowry. Gold is also an active ingredient in Patanjali's 100% effective fairness creams, so this will produce fair babies as well.

Further, cow urine also has anti-ageing effects which will ensure you don't give birth to Anandibenjamin Button.

4) No allopathy, please

The honourable head of Ayush, Shripad Yesso Naik, has already warned the nation about this when he called non-ayurvedic doctors “anti-national.” However, it wasn't mentioned in Ayush's Mother & Child booklet, so we decided to cover it in these guidelines again.

Staying healthy while pregnant is imperative, but be careful what medication you use. Allopathy, which dominates mainstream medicine, may seem like a convenient and safe option. It is not. Allopathy is a western conspiracy to create girl children, homosexuals, anti-nationals, or, worse, a combination of all three. Look at Sonia Gandhi, Radhika Vemula, and the mother of Gurmehar Kaur, all of them will readily confess to having consumed allopathy while pregnant.

What's more, proper Ayurvedic medicine from Patanjali can also ensure you have a male child so that you do not have to bear the additional financial burden of foeticide.

5) DO NOT CIRCUMCISE

Unbeknownst to most, the male foreskin is the abode of all that is good in a male child. It is where his nationalistic instinct and wholesome Indian values reside. When you circumcise a child, he immediately loses these, and becomes 100% more likely to joining ISIS, Lashkar, and/or the Kashmiri separatist movement. Avoid circumcision at all cost.