Race 3 review: Of Salman Khan for Salman Khan (fans) by Salman Khan (loyalists)

Insufferable. That just about sums up Remo D'Souza's action thriller Race 3. There were irregular cheers for Salman Khan & co but every once in a while, I would slouch further into my broken PVR seat taking off my glasses and watching a 3D movie in 2D. A movie was shown in 3D only to fill the coffers of Salman Khan and do anything but enthral the audience.

Abbas-Mustan, the siblings who helmed and created Race back in 2008, must be laughing at just how the franchise has been blown up into multiple tiny pieces.

One Khan has now replaced another and that is just the first in a series of moves that have led to the franchise taking a turn for the worse.

Saif Ali Khan did a decent but effective job of leading the franchise to where it is today. His successor, Salman Khan, is a plastic looking robot whose master forget to leave any instructions. Or even if director D'Souza did, they weren't comprehensible by any means at all.

Let's just forget about Salman Khan for a minute. The rest of the cast seems to only be there because of their immense loyalty - for that matter, the audiences as well - to their Bhaijaan. It's like allegiance equals a livelihood for these actors because clearly all of them left their dignity in the industry at home.

All of us seasoned moviegoers know that Salman Khan will be the most unbearable actor of Race 3. Knowing that, can the supporting cast live up to their billing and save the franchise from burning in hell?

For starters, we have Jacqueline Fernandez. She's a pole dancer whose loyalties shift faster than you can blink your eyes.

Next up is Bobby Deol. The last time this Deol genuinely acted in a good movie was a decade though. He may not have acted well, but at least Dostana was an enjoyable flick.

Daisy Shah. The less said the better. The lady known for absolutely nothing, hasn't done her CV any favours by acting alongside the group of loyalists.

Saqib Saleem. His best role was in Karan Johar's segment in Bombay Talkies. That isn't saying much.

Freddy Daruwala. Short role and thank god for that

Anil Kapoor. I'll save the best for last. The non-Khan superstar has earned his pay well. He's the only one that acted with some grace. Saying that, he did look and act exactly as he did in Mission Impossible. That again, isn't saying much.

It's basically a race to the bottom. We all know Salman Khan is the worst, but Bobby Deol runs him close. As for the leading ladies, well, it's closer than you think. They are left in splits, each trying to outdo the other. In fact, take off your 3D glasses - more on this later - and the lines are blurred even further.

The script is so uneven, you think that the twist and turns have confused even the choreography genius in D'Souza.

Every scene is improbable, even in the realm of the Race franchise. Each successive scene outdoes the previous one on the improbable meter.

Yes, I haven't talked about the 'plot' until now, but as you can guess, if you've gotten this far, is that it is frivolous at best. It's a plot riddled with cliches and unnecessarily swings back and forth.

Race 3 has all the classic items from action thrillers of the past. It’s got its long car chases, many an explosion, slow-mo sequences and the token six-pack abs scene. What it lacks is absolutely any soul.

The audience sitting beside me, in front of me and behind me, cheered loudly.at the most random of moments but it was when I got out of my seat, as the unbearable “Allah Duhai Hai” was blaring out of the speakers and the credits were rolling, that a woman summed it all up. A woman said to her college-going daughter, “Salman Khan ki had ho gayi. Kya bakwaas plastic acting thi. Yeh toh picture bacha nahi payi”. (Even for Salman Khan there is a limit. What nonsense and plastic acting. Even he couldn’t save the picture).

Why don’t we all have a moment of silence for the music in this picture and music directors Salim-Sulaiman. Just sample these lyrics. (Some of them penned by Sallu Bhai himself):

1. Ik baar baby selfish hoke
   Apne liye jiyo na
   Ik baar baby selfish hoke
   Apne liye jiyo na 

2. Haan ho gayi galti mujhse
   Main jaanta hoon
   Par ab bhi tujhe main
   Apni jaan maanta hoon
   Ek aakhiri mauka de mujhe
   Aaj bhi main tujhe
   Apni shaan maanta hoon

3. Jab sath hote hain
   Jab paas hote hain
   Roobaroo hote hi
   Meri rooh teri rooh se kahe…

I found love, I found love
I found love, I found it in you… (x3)

Last but not the least, don’t even get me started on what has been done to Allah Duhai Hai. A catchy tune in the first part has been remixed to death in the third.

It was really difficult to get through the incredibly lengthy 160 minutes of this movie. It’s beyond me how the filmmakers can claim they put in any effort into creating this artistic masterpiece.